SMS

Me & Jeff S
Aug 12, 2008
Jeff S: Any Change? Jeff
Me: He's awake again :)
Jeff S: Anything more from his doctors?
Me: Radiation oncologist will be in to talk to mom today. I hope pop's still awake
Jeff S: Thanks. Love to Leon, et. al.
Me: Who's Al?
Jeff S: ?
Me: Love to leon & al?
Jeff S: PS: How' Suzy
Me: Are you getting back at me for the efficacy thing?
Me: Fine. I think she got bombed and knocked over the water last night at the restaurant :)
Jeff S: How dare you!
Jeff S: And a fine time it must have been.
Me: I'm sure. I spoke with mom and she sounded a bit buzzed last night as well. Good for them?
Jeff S: How is your Mom-without her Kevlar cloak?
Me: She sounded relaxed
Jeff S: Is your Dad able to speak?
Me: Yes but I don't think it's sentences
Jeff S: Please let me know if you need me/us
Me: Thank you

Sept. 26, 2008
Jeff S: Hi. How are you, your Mom and brothers?
Me: Still processing the last 2 months. Worst for mom (obviously). Thanks for asking.
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Me & Gordon S
Aug. 9, 2008
Me: The chemo started working today. He spoke for the first time in a week and a half and he squeezed my mothers butt. That's my dad!
Aug. 10, 2008
Gordon S: Wonderful!!! Did u tell him we talked?
Me: Yes, but earlier in the day
Gordon S: Thanks
Aug 13, 2008
Gordon S: Any update
Me: They're going to stop with steroids and sedatives/antipsychotics to see if he can wake up and they can assess if there's been any damage
Gordon S: Wake up from what? Has the condition improved or deteriorated?
Me: He's about the same. But he's asleep way too much
Aug 15, 2008
Gordon S: Is the kemo helping?
Me: Hard to say yet but he's got his iPod on and he's (sorta) singing along to old elton john music
Gordon S: Hey... He's da Schmeer!
Aug 15, 2008
Gordon S: Whats happening
Aug 20, 2008
Gordon S: May I hv an update, please
Me: Not much change. Still mostly asleep. He's home now.
Gordon S: Does that mean he is improving?
Me: I don't think so. He's still taking chemo but mostly it's hospice care
Gordon S: What is the prognosis
Me: No Timeline but I think if he doesn't improve soon he'll die soon
Gordon S: Saddens me. How r u holding up
Me: I'm sad all the time
Gordon S: Anytime u want to talk, m here for u
Me: Thank you
Aug 21, 2008
Gordon S: Same, better, or...?
Me: Same
Aug 22, 2008
Gordon S: And today?
Me: A little more awake, a little more alert
Gordon S: Good. Thx
Aug 25, 2008
Gordon S: Everything ok?
Me: Same
Aug 27, 2008
Gordon S: ?
Me: Same
Gordon S: Is same considered good
Me: I guess. He's not getting any worse and his vital signs are excellent.
Aug 31, 2008
Gordon S: ?
Me: Died this morning around 6:30
Gordon S: vERY deeply sad. And equally so for you
Please extend my condolences to Paul David and your mom.
da Schmeer and I certainly went thru many intimate and fun times together
One of my favorite people. He will always have a very special place in my heart.
With love, gordi
Sept 2, 2008
Gordon S: How r u and family holding up?
Me: Ok, all things considered
Gordon S: Anytime u want to talk, pls call.
Sept 22, 2008
Gordon S: Bet Yr dad Wld Hv some clever comments re this crazy mkt
Me: No doubt. And he would be calm. I miss him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me & Paul

Aug 4, 2008
Paul: Anything yet? How is mom?
Me: Nothing yet. Moms ok
Aug 7, 2008
Paul: Did you go today? What's doin with dad?
Me: I'm there now. He's mostly out of it
Paul: Did they get him up and walking?
Me: No
Aug 7, 2008
Me: His speech is almost entirely incomprehensible. I don't think they were able to exercise him at all. It's very difficult to get him to swallow the chemo capsules even with applesauce. They can't be opened, he has to swallow them whole. All in all not a great day.
Paul: Can you resend the beginning of this note?
Aug 10, 2008
Paul: What's doing?
Me: Sleeping. Maybe he waits till I leave to get chatty
Aug 12, 2008
Paul: What's doin?
Aug 19, 2008
Paul: Hey! You around?
Aug 22, 2008, 11:08 am
Paul: What's up?
8:32 pm
Me: Any excitement?
Paul: Nope. Mom was feeding him some puddin which he seemed to enjoy but pretty quiet. He looks good though.
Aug 27, 2008
Paul: U out for dinner?
Me: No. Harvey and Maxine are here. We're having cocktails and pop is having dinner.
Paul: How's he doing tonight?
Me: Mostly asleep but looks good. And moms feet look better
Aug 30, 2008
Paul: I'm coming in tomorrow but if he starts looking really bad please call me
Me: Ok
Aug 30, 2008
Me: He's not swallowing his meds
Paul: Do you think I should come in? How is mom?
Sept 1, 2008
Me: David, Sharon & the kids are here
Sept 2, 2008, 12:33 am
Paul: U up?
Paul: I'm afraid the pain hasn't started yet
Paul: I'm starting to freak a bit
8:06 am
Me: Yeah. I don't think I can go in to the office today
Sept 2, 2008, 10:30am
Paul: What's doin?
8:17pm
Me: Sent. Call me with comments.
Sept 3, 2008
Paul: How are you feeling?
Me: Fine. Tired. Having lunch with mom
Sept 11,2008
Me: Oh boy. I'm typing out some notes and I'm having a tough time just proof reading.
Paul: Lip sinc! :)
Paul: Veronica says "pull it together man, I'm taking my cues from you!"
Me: Xanax and speed and I'll be fine
Paul: V says keep reading it over and over and you will become a bit deserve
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me & Ike S
Aug 9, 2008
Me: The chemo started to kick in today. He spoke for the first time in a week and a half. And he squeezed my mom's butt. That's my dad!
Aug 29, 2008, 7:24pm
Me: I think he's getting ready to die Ike. He's not eating anymore. I'm so sad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me & Karen
Aug 5, 2008
Me: Temodal?
Karen: Yes thats it
Me: Thanks. He starts it tomorrow.
Aug 11, 2008, 12:39pm
Me: Did you ever show the films and stuff to your radiation people? Paul Says he hears the dr is leaning towards no radiation and putting him in a hospice.
3:51pm
Me: Call me, please
Aug 12, 2008, 2:45pm
Me: He's awake again :)
6:29pm
Me: They say he's not a candidate for radiation right now.
Aug 20, 2008
Me: Hello fron colleen
Aug 26, 2008, 12:04pm
Me: I still don't understand why they can't radiate. Why can't they lock his head down? What do they do with babies?

Mid-July

My mom was spending the summer up at the house. Dad would take the bus home on Sunday and go back up on Wednesday or Thursday.
He'd been very tired most days and would spend some time on the couch in the office. Also, he'd recently been having some balance issues that he couldn't understand. He said he didn't get dizzy, and his legs didn't just give out, but on several occasions he just lost his balance and went down. He made an appointment with a neuroligist for Thursday.
On the Sunday afternoon before, he called to ask would I mind if he didn't come down till Wednesday. I said no problem and I would meet him at the bus.
I got to Port Authority with time to spare and, with a cell phone call from him, determined where he was waiting for me.
I went downstairs and saw him waiting. The only thing that stuck out to me was that his hair was mussed (his hair was usually never mussed). Other than that, and the fact that he was walking a bit slow (so would I if I had fallen a couple of times) he was fine. We grabbed a cab back to his apartment. We went down to the Chinese take-out place, ordered some lo mein and ate it while chatting. Normal.
I spent the night and the next day (Thursday) we took a cab to the neurologist together. The exam went fine but the doc wanted to do a scan and we were able to schedule an MRI for that night at 9pm as he was planning to get back on the bus for Massachusetts the next day.
That evening we went to dinner at a bar/restaurant on his corner and each had a burger and a beer. Normal.
Then we went uptown for the MRI. The neurologist said he might have the results the next day, but if not, definitely by Monday.
After the MRI we went home, bull-shitted for a while, and went to sleep.
Next morning we left the apartment around 11am to put him back on the bus. He called the doc's office before we left and they said they didn't yet have the results.
I waited with him till the bus boarded and chatted with a guy on line. All was well, and I left and went back to work.

That evening my mother called. She wanted to know how he was when he got on the bus because by the time the bus got to Lee, he was the last one off and the driver had to help him. I said he had been fine when I left him.
She sounded frightened, not a usual emotion for her, and I said I was coming up to the house. I called Paul, related the conversation I had with mom and told him she sounded frightened and that I was going up.
He called up to the house, and despite their protestations, he called me back and said he would meet me there.
We got there really late and said hello and went to sleep.
My mother wanted to bring him to an emergency room. She, Paul, and I debated whether to bring him to the local hospital or back to NY. At that point I was thinking maybe he's had a small stroke and the wait at the local emergency room would be shorter than in Mt. Sinai. Meantime, he was able to walk up and down stairs, eat breakfast, and shave and shower.
He was sitting in his blue chair and started having some speech problems. He would start a sentence and end up sounding like Porky Pig. He laughed about it as did we all. He said, I think maybe I've had a small stroke.
He and I went out to the deck to drink our coffee while I had a cigarette and my mother called his doctor, Larry, to ask if we should come back to NY or take him to emergency up there. She talked with him for a few minutes and then hung up and said he told her we should drive down.

Later, Paul told me that during the conversation with the doctor, Mom's face went pale.

When dad went upstairs, mom said, "He's got a brain tumor". I asked her if that was her opinion or is that what the doc said?

She said that that's what Larry told her, he had seen the report from the test the night before.

Apparently, the technician at the lab had called Larry right away with the news. Larry had told him not to say anything as he knew that dad wasn't with mom at that moment and since one day wasn't going to make a difference he didn't want him to know till they were together.

Ashes to Ashes...

I went to the funeral home yesterday to pick up his ashes. He was in a plastic bag inside a plastic container inside a taped corrugated box. Looked like a UPS package. I carried him the 2 blocks home in a shopping bag. He and I had walked this route many times and we chatted as usual. Except this time it was a one way conversation. I hoped this wouldn't be the day a thief would choose to run up behind me and steal my green, unmarked, 8 pound shopping bag.

My mother answered the door, looked at the bag and asked, "Pop?". I nodded.

She got a little teary, took the bag and brought it to the bedroom. She came out several minutes later and closed the door behind her.

I was on the phone with her today and I asked where he was. She said he was in the bedroom with her. I told her it was a bit chilly outside, why not put one of his many hats on the box?

She laughed at that idea, knowing how he would have enjoyed the irreverence of putting a hat on a box of ashes. She hated most of his hats, especially the baseball hats, but I think she chose one of those to put on him.

It was good to hear her laugh.

I think he's getting ready to die

One of the doctors said at some point he may stop eating because his brain is no longer telling him he's hungry. He hasn't eaten in 2 days. I'm so sad.

1:30am

I wish I could film this, it's so beautiful like a ballet of hands.
The room is silent. One arm reaches out over the bedrail. In slow motion. He waggles his fingers as if he's gathering up slow flying fireflies and when his hand is full he slowly and gracefully transfers them to his other hand. Then he reaches out again to gather some more. He's not frightened and I wish I knew what he was seeing.
Earlier in the day he commented that the "tenant" who lived here before him must have fancied himself a writer because he's written all over the walls. I ask him what it says but he can't quite make it out. He doesn't understand why I can't see the writing and thinks that maybe if I take a picture of the wall I'll be able to see the writing.
Later he sees ants crawling all over the same wall.
The doctor tells me in the morning that the hallucinations are caused by the steroids he's been given to keep his brain from swelling.

12:30am

The room is quiet and dark. He looks around, sure that we're both sleeping but I'm still awake, watching. He manages to get both feet over the side of the bed, grips the rails and tries to get up to a sitting position. He wants to escape, sure that he's been kidnapped, held against his will. I know he can't raise himself so I just lie there and watch. He struggles to sit up for a moment then falls back to the bed exhausted. Looks around to make sure his captors are still asleep. He tries again after a bit and fails again. This goes on over and over for about an hour till he's too tired to try anymore.

3am

I'm awake and he's finally sleeping, fitfully. I go downstairs for a cigarette and sit on the steps of the main 5th Ave entrance. Another man is also sitting on the steps smoking. It's very quiet, no traffic at this hour. 2 women come out, sit on the steps and light up. No one speaks, each of us tangled in our thoughts.

Facebook Ads

I have a Facebook account, but I don't use it. I got it at the request of A, the woman I'm dating. She lives on FB and wanted to be able to have on her profile page that she's "in a relationship" with "me". So I signed up. I never really use it, and only have 3 friends; her and my two daughters. Sometimes I see A's FB page and have noticed the ads, usually for some company like American Apparel or the new Sex and the City movie.
Anyway, another friend of mine, Jim, apparently has an account (he's even older than me!) and, not knowing that I have one sent me an invitation to register for one and "friend" him. So I logged on to my page.
There was an ad. For one of those chair gizmos that old people attach to a staircase in their home when they can't walk up the stairs! What the hell?!? This is the type of targeted marketing I get?

For Cath

Sorry.

h-a-p-p-y n-e-w- y-e-a-r! lol

Oh yeah, something I wanted to mention. I was at a party New Year's Eve (I know it's late to be mentioning this) and at mdnight, instead of hugging and kissing, everyone whipped out their phones and began texting. Odd.

Epiphany: I'm not actually losing my hair

It's just being more equitably redistributed around my body. Like on my ears, shoulders, and back. Same gross number of follicles, though. I feel much better now that I'm not going bald.

I'm Still Not Dead Yet

Surprising. I smoke too much. I drink too much. Too much coffee. Don't exercise enough. I must have a death wish. Though I come up (more or less) clean whenever I go for a scan, I dread them as I know one of these days there'll be trouble. Schmuck.

My trouble is overs. This sound legit!

Received the following e-mail. It appears my ship has finally come in:

From: zenith bank [mailto:zenith_bank002plc@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 5:03 AM
To: isilva84@mail.cmb.ac.lk
Subject: Awaiting your urgent response as soon as possible.

ATTN:,
I know that this may come as a suprise to you.This is to inform you that the Senate President, Senator Ken Nnamani have instructed me to release your Accrued Interest Payment Valued $12m into your Account and i have tried every thing humanly possible to contact you regarding to this Fund since all this day's but i couldn't get you. In respect of this you are advise to act fastly and forward all the necessary information required to enable me release your payment without any further delay.

The information's are as following:

1, Your personal telphone and fax number's.
2, Your full address,
3, a scanned copy of your international passport,
4, Your full banking information.

Note, I don't have any time to waste toward's your payment, because i have wasted a lot of time by contacting you since all this while and you have only but 3 working day's to receive your payment, otherwise your payment will canceled, so i am adivising you to follow up the instruction as noted to avoid payment cancellation.Awaiting your urgent response as soon as possible.

Best Regard's,
Dr. Jim Ovia,
Director: Zenith Bank Plc,

Depressing Moment #2

I received, in the mail, a membership kit for AARP.

Depressing Moment #1

I went into a local bank to open a checking account. The rep showed me several, from free with no balance requirement till a small one after the first year to ones that offered lots of free benefits if you maintained a high balance. Then she showed me one with all the benefits and no minimum balance as long as you're over 50. I told her I'd be eligible in exactly 2 weeks.

Antietam and D-Day

I was watching a rerun of Ken Burns' PBS documentary "The Civil War" the other night. During a break in the film, Burns was interviewed and was discussing the Battle of Antietam which took place on September 17, 1862. It was a horrific fight and Burns commented that there were more casualties during that one day battle than during D-Day 82 years later.

What knocked me out wasn't the statistics of the 2 battles; I'm familiar with them both from history classes. What got me was the "82 years later" comment. I think, as I get older, my perception of fathomable time periods gets shorter (i.e., I still can't grasp the idea of a million years. It's totally out of my frame of reference. But 82 years is quite manageable). I have friends I've known more than 30 years, a thought unimaginable to me when I was younger.

I consider WW II part of recent history as it ended less than 2 decades before I was born. The Civil War, on the other hand, always seemed like almost ancient history. But in the great span of history 82 years is but the blink of an eye. And when you think of the wars that came between these two it really seems we are a species almost constantly in bloody conflict, separated by short moments of relative peace.

It reminds me of a joke I heard recently:

A man is talking to God. He says, "God, you are all knowing, all powerful, and eternal. Tell me, God, what is a million years to you?". And God says, "To me, a million years is but a minute". So the man says, "And tell me God, what is 10 million dollars to you?". And God says, "10 million dollars is less than a penny to me". So the man says, "God, can I have a million dollars?". And God says, "Sure, in a minute".

I Love Harry the Hamster

Harry the Hamster

In other news, I've discerned a bit of baby fuzz sprouting on my head. I may stay intentionally bald for a while til the hair seems to come in fuller. I have 2 mini-treatments left, one yesterday and one next Wednesday but they carry no side effects other than killing my immune system, so no problem. My post chemo PET/CT came out totally clean.

On the other side, I've discovered a new, lingering side effect to go along with the neuropathy, spots on my hand, and other assorted minor annoyances whose appearance is laid off to "Chemo does a lot of weird things to you". I can't run. I can walk fine, all day if necessary, but if I try to run my legs don't seem to work right. I look like some sort of flat-footed duck if I try to run across the street as the light is changing and after a few steps my legs feel like they'll give out. Luckily, I needn't run in order to take pictures, which is what I love to do.

In further news, my divorce is finally final! Now I'll have to find a woman who isn't in to going out for a morning run...

Five Down, One To Go

Tomorrow, 9:30am. Then 2 weeks of shit and I'm DONE. 'Nuff said.

Happy Birthday To Me

This Day in History

1929: On With the Show, the first talking movie that is all in color debuts at New York City's Winter Garden theater.

1934: The identical Dionne quintuplets are born in Ontario, Canada; the girls are made wards of the government and put on display at a themepark called Quintland.

1980: The first Islamic parliament, the Majlis, opens in Iran.


1987: West German Mathias Rust flies a private plane unchallenged through Soviet airspace and lands in Moscow's historic Red Square.


1991: The 17-year Marxist rule which brought famine and war to Ethiopia ends when rebel tanks storm the nation's capital, Addis Ababa.

Born on This Day

William Pitt, British prime minister (1759) Jerry West, basketball player, coach, and general manager (1938) Thomas Moore, poet (1779) Jim Thorpe, athlete (1888?) Walker Percy, essayist and novelist (1916) Ian Fleming (1908-1964), British novelist, best known as creator of the popular suspense-fiction character James Bond, British secret service agent 007.

The Mexican Is Loose

OK, I'm way past the age where I'm up on modern lingo. My kids pepper their conversation with expressions that need to be translated for me.

So the other night I'm watching "24" with my younger daughter. There's a close-up of an actor who has one of these big middle-aged wattles hanging from his neck. My daughter casually comments, "The Mexican is loose". I've never heard this expression but luckily this time I can figure out what she's talking about from the context. I think it's pretty funny.

At the commercial I ask if she would mind telling me the derivation of the phrase she had used. I get a blank stare in return. "What expression?", she asks. "The Mexican is loose". She gets hysterical. She says, "I said his neck skin is loose!".

We've decided to adopt this expression and see if we can insinuate it into the vernacular.

So if you hear someone say The Mexican is loose, remember, you heard it here first.

Rhythm

I've begun to get in sync with the rhythm of these treatments and the predictability is 1) comforting and 2) making it easier to plan my time as I pretty much know how I'll feel day to day.

Treatment is every 3rd Wednesday. Thursday, Friday, and most of Saturday I feel fine as the bag of steroids that's part of the cocktail keeps me from feeling the fatigue right away so I can pretty much keep up my regular schedule. By Sunday, it's worn off and I crash and the other side effects begin as well. The neuropathy, however, is always there but it's never so bad that I can't button a button. As a side note, I've apparently lost that reflex you get when the doctor rubber-mallets you on the knee and that's probably gone for good. Luckily, I can't think of any reason I'll need that particular reflex.

This past Sunday should've been a crash day which was too bad as there was a street fair in my neighborhood I wanted to attend and also I had set up a meeting with STBxW at a local tea house to see if we could work out the final details of the divorce without going to court again.

To my relief, I awoke Sunday feeling fine, walked the entire fair, had an amicable and productive meeting with STBxW and in general enjoyed the day.

Monday was the same. I got to work at a reasonable hour and stayed the whole day. I even joked that I should call the doctor to complain that something must be wrong as I wasn't feeling like crap. Maybe she'd forgotten one of the medicine bags. Anyway, I was feeling fine and was fairly bursting at the idea that maybe my body had become accustomed to the meds and I would breeze through the next 8 weeks.

Then it happened Monday night. I was watching TV with my daughter when all of a sudden I felt it begin to wash over me. I was exhausted and also, that funky taste coated my tongue and the rest of my mouth.

By Tuesday morning I could barely drag my butt out of bed, showed up for work later than usual, left earlier, and the bounce that had been in my step the day before was gone. I'm back to the chemo shuffle.

I was so depressed during the day that I got teary a few times. I'm really getting tired of this.

But I'm better now. I'm back into the rhythm.

Graduation

My older daughter graduates college one week from today. As most parents must feel, I can scarcely believe how the time has gone by. Very short synopsis: For the first 12 years we were best buddies. From 12 to 18 we could barely be in the same room without some sort of conflict. Things started improving when we began our road trips looking for colleges. The last two years have seen a return to our original closeness, more on an adult level, but she's still my baby and I'm still daddy.

The original plan for graduation was that I would fly out there with my younger daughter and my parents, attend graduation Saturday morning, and then we'd go for a celebratory lunch.

The mother would fly out separately, take the girls for dinner, and she and I would barely interact, maybe not even see each other. That's how things have been the last three years or so.

But this is my daughter's weekend. It is not about the mother and me but rather about this young woman we have helped form, for better or worse. It would be nice if she could have a cap & gown picture with both her parents, I think that would make her happy. So I've decided to invite the mother to join us for lunch. I don't know if she'll accept, but it will be good if we can put aside our bullsh*t for an afternoon.

One Delicious Week

I have a treatment every three weeks. So far I've had 2 with the next one slated for Wednesday. For about the first 2 weeks after a treatment I:
1) Have no energy. No concentration. I can go to the office for 4 or 5 hours, but then I have to come home and collapse. Everything's kind of a haze.
2) Nothing tastes good. Food & drink either has no taste or tastes bad.
3) I have no sex drive.
4) My sleep patterns are way off because of the naps so I'm up at 3am every night.
5) I generally feel like crap.

And then there's the 3rd week. All of a sudden it all comes back. I can work all day and then hang out at night. I can focus. The simplest dish tastes great, and yada yada yada, I'm ready to rock and roll. The contrast between the first 2 weeks and the third is so great that it's almost worth it to go through the crap stage just to get to that third week. I get home from work, go out for a long walk, take pictures, stop in a restaurant, have a drink, see friends and sleep through the night.

I think if I can figure out how to maintain that 3rd week intensity all the time after this stuff is over I will have attained satori.

Update: I had a follow-up PET scan on Tuesday. The way it works is like this: they shoot me up with some radioactive stuff, run me through a scanner for about an hour, and any criminal activity inside me lights up on the film. At the first PET scan, done before the first treatment, I lit up like a Christmas tree. That was expected. After Tuesday's scan, all the old lights were out. That was very good news. There was, however, one new light. In my chest. Not a bright light, but a light nonetheless. Doc will discuss this with the radiologist on Monday and I'll probably have to go for a CT scan next week to see just what this new light is and hopefully it is another active lymph node that will be knocked out in the remaining chemo sessions. Never a dull moment.

Dated Movies

I was flipping channels the other night and Bye Bye Birdie was on. I remember that movie from when I was a kid and I liked it a lot so I watched it. I enjoyed it still, but was very aware of how dated it seems. That got me wondering about dated movies.

Saturday Night Fever is dated. Miami Vice (the TV show) is dated. The Graduate and Joe are dated.

The Godfather, The Great Gatsby, The Caine Mutiny, and The African Queen don't seem dated.

These are all films that take place in a particular time, yet some are dated and some aren't.

Seems to me that movies most likely (though not always, of course) to seem dated are those which are made during the time they take place. But I can't put my finger on why this is. One friend suggested that movies filmed in their time that are topical will end up seeming dated later, and maybe he's right. I'll have to think about it some more.

Or maybe I just need to get out more.

Part 2 (con't)

So yesterday was treatment #2 and all in all it wasn't too bad. A new drug was introduced, Rituxan, and that meant I would be there 5 hours instead of 2. It's fairly standard to have an allergic reaction to the Rituxan, anything from no reaction at all to complete intolerance so I needed to have a nurse in the room with me, monitoring blood pressure and watching for any negative reaction. Luckily, my cousin, K, a cancer nurse at Sloan Kettering is off on Wednesdays and she volunteered to come with me, removing the necessity of having the infusion done in hospital.

I started out with a blast of Benadryl & Tylenol to try and head off any reaction, then moved on to a drip bag of CHOP.

Then we started the Rituxan.

They start off really slow and then increase the drip, watching for a reaction. After about 10 minutes, I started to feel an itch in the back of my throat and in my ear. She slowed down the drip. Then my eyes started watering a lot and I got hives. It was interesting to observe this happening to me and both doc and K were keeping a close eye on things. When I started to wheeze and my throat began to tighten, doc said that was enough (we had gotten thru about 1/4 of the first of 2 bags of Rituxan) and she removed that bag, gave me a major blast of Benadryl and some steroid, and went back to a CHOP bag for a while.

In about a half hour, the allergic symptons were gone and she decided to -- chemo speak-- "challenge" me again with the Rituxan. This drug is what is known as a monoclonal antibody (whatever that means) and apparently not all of it is made from human stuff. Some of it comes from rat or cat or dog or something else which I can't remember now. It's that stuff that the body reacts to.

Anyway, she re-hooked the bag, dripped me real slow and this time everything went fine. I went thru the 2 bags, then finished up the CHOP (including 2 fat syringes of Red Devil, the stuff that causes chrome dome, and by 2pm K and I were out of there.

About this time, my friend J came by, and, as he's known K for years, and I knew that shortly my taste buds would again be all screwed up and all the other side effects I now expected, we decided to head immediately out for a bottle of wine to celebrate my successful challenge of Rituxan. I could barely keep my eyes open, but we had a fun time.

Then K walked home, J drove me home and hung out till AM showed up (I have a great tag-team support system!), she and I had dinner and I finally passed out around 11:30.

When I spoke to doc this morning I mentioned that last time I conked out as soon as I got home but this time, although I was exhausted, I couldn't sleep. She explained that this was due to the steroid blast and was natural.

And now I'm up to date till Friday when I have to inject myself with the Neulasta, which brings my white bood cell count back up. Time for a nap

Part 2

It's about 5am. My next treatment is in about 4 1/2 hours and this will be a long one, 6 or 7 hours as another drug is being added.

After 3 weeks I've finally begun to regain my stamina, sense of taste and sex drive. Shortly to be wiped out again for another 2 weeks.

I've discussed all that's going on with the girls, and despite my insistence that all will be well they are concerned and upset and that makes me feel bad. They're both away at college, the older one graduating next month and I just couldn't show up hairless without prior explanation, so I've been sending them pictures and joking about them. They said I look like Lex Luthor, but I sent them a shot of me with sunglasses so they could see I'm more like Morpheus from The Matrix (except for the part about me being white!). Also, it's better that they hear the truth from me than some sort of uninformed spin from their mother, who sort of knows what's going on, but not really.

They're concerned that I'm alone with no one to look after me and that I have nothing to eat. Fact is I have a wonderful network of friends and family on call 24/7 and I'm only by myself when I want to be.

Anyway, time for a short nap before I have to leave. See you on the other side of today...

Time for a Shave, Don't you think?

Isn't today HBF (half bald Friday)?

I'm kind of thin. Not one of those big guys who look good bald. I hope I don't end up looking like a dick-head!

PS- Court went very well today. The judge told them (rather sternly) that they have to provide the documentation that we've been asking for since last year. Hopefully this whole mess will be wrapped up shortly...

"AM" last p.m.

AM came by to visit last night. She's been saying that if I lose my hair she'll shave her head and we've joked about it (she has beautiful, thick hair).

I showed her how she could grab a bunch of mine and they'd come right out in her hand. She smiled, but started to cry. The reality is always so different from the anticipation.

She apparently got over her dismay as she spent the rest of the evening surrepitiously pulling at hairs all over my body to see which were coming loose and this cracked me up. So far it seems to be mostly my head. I've been taking a picture a day to track any changes in my appearance.

I can stay in bed a bit longer this morning as I needn't shave.

My luck, the hair's falling out just as the weather is turning warmer. And I just bought a Mini convertible so I'll need to slather my dome to avoid a sunburn.

Recap

About 8 weeks ago I started getting a pain in my stomach like I figured I was getting an ulcer. I called my doctor and she said to try Prilosec and see if that helped. I got a 2 week supply and when that didn't work, I tried another 2 week supply. I called doc back and she gave me the name of a GI doc to see.

After a consultation and quickie checkup, he scheduled me for an endoscopy 2 days later, Friday. This was a piece of cake as I was asleep for it, though when he told me to roll on my side after hooking up the IV, I asked him what end he was planning on sticking the tube. The next thing I remember was waking up, the procedure done. I'll never know for sure, but I have a pretty good idea an endoscopy goes down the throat.

Back in his study the GI told me it seems I have a "malignant ulcer" and further tests would reveal what was behind it. Best case (and most probable) was the lymphoma, which would be better than some other gastric cancer. If it was the lymphoma, it was easily treatable with medicine, which I, for some reason, took to mean I would be on some pills for a while. Anyway, I'd have a chance to discuss this further with my internist who also luckily is a hematological oncologist and has been the doc monitoring my lymphoma. I'd have the results the following Wednesday. Oh yeah, also, about 2 weeks prior, I developed a pain in my hip so in addition to walking around slightly hunched from the stomach pain, I had a limp. Quite an attractive Quasimodo I must have been.

Sure enough, it turned out to be the lymphoma in my stomach and also in my hip, so a PET/CT scan was scheduled for a couple of days later. While on the phone with my doc, she told me to stop by her office so she could give me some prescriptions and also she wanted to take a look at my veins to decide whether or not she's need to put in a port so I wouldn't need to get freshly poked for each treatment.

WHOA!! What was that? All of a sudden it hit me that this wasn't just going to be some pills, that this was going to be actual chemo treatments and I felt a little bit rocked by this revelation, this wasn't foolin' around anymore.

Well, as with all things, after the shock came acceptance and, as the prognosis was so good, I looked at the whole thing as an adventure.

The PET/CT scans gave final confirmation of the newly active lymphoma, and those tests will now be a baseline against which progress will be compared after the last of the six treatments (one every three weeks).

So I had the first treatment 2 weeks ago, on the 15th. It wasn't bad, just hooked me up to an IV and dripped stuff into me for about 2 hours. The red stuff in the picture at the top is the stuff that makes your hair fall out.

I got home after the first treatment and immediately took a nap. When I woke up the very first thing I noticed was that my hip didn't hurt at all and my stomach felt much better. I couldn't believe the meds worked so fast, but all of a sudden I didn't need 10 percosets a day just to get around! That night, AM stopped by to see how I was doing (she's been an absolute angel and totally there for me during this whole thing, and probably more worried and scared than I am). I was feeling so good and able to move around so painlessly that I did a strip tease for her and we laughed and hugged and she cried a little but mostly from relief this time.

For the next several days I took about 14 pills each morning, part of them components of the chemo and some of them to counter act the effects of the chemo (like anti-nausea, etc).

The things I've noticed so far are 1) My sense of taste is different. Everything tastes a bit off, and alcohol, wine in particular, tastes awful. 2) I get really exhausted around 2 or 3 in the afternoon and have to come home and take a nap. 3) I'm usually not hungry. 4) I have no sex drive.

I mentioned the shaving thing in my last post. This morning when I got out of the shower I was neatening up my hair and when I looked at my hand there was a bunch of hairs in it. Now if I grab on to a few hairs on my head and give a little pull they come right out and that's kind of weird.

Anyway, the next treatment is next Wednesday and will run about 6 or 7 hours as another drug is being introduced and this should be the worst of the treatments. My cousin, K, is a nurse at Sloan Kettering. She came by my apartment a couple of night before the first treatment and we had some pre-chemo cocktails. Quite tasty. She's going to sit with me thru that next treatment, monitoring my blood pressure and watching for any nasty reactions. Since she's going to be with me, I'll be able to have this one done in the doc's office rather than having to go up to Mt Sinai for it.

A week later, I'll go for another PET scan and a week after that I have a consultation with some other docs about a probable bone marrow transplant. More about that in my next post.

In the meantime, I have a court date this Friday with my soon-to-be-hopefully-officially-ex-wife. Just what I need right now. No wonder I have an ulcer!

Shave

I'm going to need to back up and fill in some details soon, but I'm not up for a long post right now. I noticed something interesting this morning.

I need to shave every day if I want to look clean.

Saturday night was my parents' 50th Anniversary party. I shaved and showered around 4pm.

Sunday was just a lazy day around the house, one daughter left to fly back to college and in the afternoon I drove my other daughter back to school. I never shaved Sunday.

This morning, getting ready for work, I went to shave and noticed that I barely needed it. I probably could have skipped shaving altogether, but I did it out of habit.

Weird. I'll probably have no hair at all in a week or so.

CHOP CHOP

Dem little critters have gotten active. Time to stop monitoring and take action. I go for my first CHOP in 3 hours. I'm a little nervous, yet looking forward to the adventure.